I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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