You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The power of my boobs compel you
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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