if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
