take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
