I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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