So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
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