Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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