Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
