My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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