Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
