He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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