Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
