I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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