my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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