Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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