I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
