so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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