My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
