I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
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It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
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In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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