I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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