I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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