I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
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Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
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Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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