My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
