Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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