Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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