that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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