Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
