He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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