i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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