So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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