anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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