And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
