So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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