I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
