I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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