And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
