heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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