What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
