yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
