I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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