My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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