Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
