So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
