i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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