batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
