And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
