I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
