I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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