Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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