On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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