You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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