Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
