This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
