I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
