this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
