That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
