In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
