Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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